Change.
I wonder, sometimes, if we have a finite capacity for change. If there is only so many steps we can take from the person we currently are, a block wall preventing us from becoming someone completely different…
I know, for me, that wall is comprised entirely of fear. Fear that change won’t happen, so that I shouldn’t even try. Fear that the unknown is…well, unknown, a place where I can’t control everything, where the rules have changed…
I want to change. I want to become someone different than who I currently am. Not completely different, I like things about me now. But a bit more courage, a bit more faith, more compassion, less fear. Bigger eyes to see, larger ears to hear, a smaller mouth to speak. I want my actions to define me instead of my words. I want people to see in themselves what I do, and to be able to help them do that. I want to wake up in the morning and see all possibilities, to fall into bed at night exhausted by the adventures of life.
To take more risks and spend less time dwelling on failures. To not only stop to smell the roses, but the daises and the daffodils as well. To read more good books and watch less bad TV.
I want to change my habits and my gut reactions. The way I see myself, the distorted image I’ve come to believe as truth. To allow God’s eyes to become mine, His heart to direct mine.
There are moments when I see glimpses of the person I want to become in the person I currently am, and they give me hope. Moments when I feel at peace with the world, myself and God, because I know I am doing what I am supposed to. I believe it’s possible to feel that way all the time.
I sat down to write, thinking of all the things in myself I’d like to see changed, wondering if that was even possible. Wishing to be someone else, someone braver, more confident, more sure. But really, I just need to conquer my own fears: of failure, of my own unworthiness, of, in a way, success.
It makes me sad to see other people paralyzed by fear, because all I can see in them is their potential—it’s hard for be to recognize that I am the exact same way.
But sitting here, on a porch swing with butterflies and gentle breezes, I know that there isn’t really anything to fear. I have God, who loves me, a family that supports me and friends to help me. That even if I go out on a shaky, skinny branch and end up tumbling, I won’t really hit the ground. I’ll be caught up in a net of love and faithfulness and forgiveness.
I haven’t found my next path yet, but I’m learning to believe that no matter where it takes me, it’ll all be okay.
And that there isn’t a limit on where we can go in this life, except those which we place on ourselves.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
His eye is on the sparrow...
I've been in Texas for a week now. 7 days of no alarms, no expectations, no obligations. Hours spent on front porch swings, along flowing rivers, watching sparkling stars. Moments of contemplation, pages of wisdom, conversations of dreams. It's been a beautiful mess of relaxation, challenges and even occasional frustration.
For all that I'm trying to let go of my need for plans, I still desire to know not just this step that I'm on, but the subsequent steps as well. I know where I'll be this week: house-sitting for a friends parents with a roof over my head and a well stock pantry. There is no worry that I'll go to bed hungry tonight, or the next night either. There is assurance that this day is cared for, yet I still worry about tomorrow.
will i ever learn?
For all that I'm trying to let go of my need for plans, I still desire to know not just this step that I'm on, but the subsequent steps as well. I know where I'll be this week: house-sitting for a friends parents with a roof over my head and a well stock pantry. There is no worry that I'll go to bed hungry tonight, or the next night either. There is assurance that this day is cared for, yet I still worry about tomorrow.
will i ever learn?
Thursday, September 25, 2008
"rather a miracle happened: another day of life"
I just finished reading another book by Paulo Coehlo, "Veronika Decides to Die." It's one of those books that I just happened to pick up at the right time in my life.
I'm currently sitting in a bed in the home of Kristen, my fellow intern from Uganda, just outside San Antonio, Texas. I'm currently unemployed, having quit my job and ending my employment last Friday. My goal for this cross country trek is to reconnect with God and myself, and to try and figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm blessed to have unlimited options, but cursed with an inability to make decisions. :/
This book, however, was incredible. It's all about the human tendency to just go through the motions of life, our fear of stepping outside our norm and failing.
I'm trying to learn to live without that fear, to learn to put it into perspective. To realize that "the worst than could happen" isn't all that bad, that one failure is not a big deal, that mistakes help us to grow. I don't want to live my life regretting all the things I could have done, dreaming of opportunities I was afraid of attempting, wishing for "do-overs" that aren't possible.
And here is a long excerpt from the book, in hopes that it will inspire you as it does me:
(this is spoken by a character in the book, who is about to be released from Villete, the insane asylum)
"If I stay here any longer, I won't leave at all. I'm cured of my depression, but in Villete, I've learned that there are other kinds of insanity. I want to carry those with me and begin to see life with my own eyes.
"When I came here, I was deeply depressed. Now I'm proud to say I'm insane. Outside, I'll behave exactly like everyone else. I'll go shopping at the supermarket, I'll exchange trivialities with my friends, I'll waste precious time watching television. But I know that my soul is free and that I can dream and talk with other worlds that, before I came here, I didn't even imagine existed.
"I'm going to allow myself to do a few foolish things, just so that people can say: 'She's just been released from Villete.' But I know that my soul is complete, because my life has meaning. I'll be able to look at a sunset and believe that God is behind it. When someone irritates me, I'll tell them what I think of them, and I won't worry what they think of me, because everyone will say: 'She's just been released from Villete.'
"I'll look at men in the street, right in their eyes, and I won't feel guilty about feeling desired. But immediately after that, I'll go into a shop selling imported goods, buy the best wines my money can buy, and I'll drink that wine with the husband I adore because I want to laugh with him again.
"And laughing he'll say: 'You're crazy!' And I'll say: 'Of course I am, I was in Villete, remember! And madness freed me. Now, my dear husband, you mush have a vacation every year, and make me climb some dangerous mountains, because I need to run the risk of being alive."
I'm currently sitting in a bed in the home of Kristen, my fellow intern from Uganda, just outside San Antonio, Texas. I'm currently unemployed, having quit my job and ending my employment last Friday. My goal for this cross country trek is to reconnect with God and myself, and to try and figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm blessed to have unlimited options, but cursed with an inability to make decisions. :/
This book, however, was incredible. It's all about the human tendency to just go through the motions of life, our fear of stepping outside our norm and failing.
I'm trying to learn to live without that fear, to learn to put it into perspective. To realize that "the worst than could happen" isn't all that bad, that one failure is not a big deal, that mistakes help us to grow. I don't want to live my life regretting all the things I could have done, dreaming of opportunities I was afraid of attempting, wishing for "do-overs" that aren't possible.
And here is a long excerpt from the book, in hopes that it will inspire you as it does me:
(this is spoken by a character in the book, who is about to be released from Villete, the insane asylum)
"If I stay here any longer, I won't leave at all. I'm cured of my depression, but in Villete, I've learned that there are other kinds of insanity. I want to carry those with me and begin to see life with my own eyes.
"When I came here, I was deeply depressed. Now I'm proud to say I'm insane. Outside, I'll behave exactly like everyone else. I'll go shopping at the supermarket, I'll exchange trivialities with my friends, I'll waste precious time watching television. But I know that my soul is free and that I can dream and talk with other worlds that, before I came here, I didn't even imagine existed.
"I'm going to allow myself to do a few foolish things, just so that people can say: 'She's just been released from Villete.' But I know that my soul is complete, because my life has meaning. I'll be able to look at a sunset and believe that God is behind it. When someone irritates me, I'll tell them what I think of them, and I won't worry what they think of me, because everyone will say: 'She's just been released from Villete.'
"I'll look at men in the street, right in their eyes, and I won't feel guilty about feeling desired. But immediately after that, I'll go into a shop selling imported goods, buy the best wines my money can buy, and I'll drink that wine with the husband I adore because I want to laugh with him again.
"And laughing he'll say: 'You're crazy!' And I'll say: 'Of course I am, I was in Villete, remember! And madness freed me. Now, my dear husband, you mush have a vacation every year, and make me climb some dangerous mountains, because I need to run the risk of being alive."
Monday, September 15, 2008
it's been a year.
Exactly one year ago today I was flying across the globe, heading for Gulu. It's strange to think how much happened in just 365 days. Recent weeks seem to have dragged by, but I know months that had wings.
It seems appropriate, somehow, that this is my last week at my current job. I don't feel like I ever really took time after arriving back in the states to process, to really pray and seek answers for what I should do next in my life.
I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities of life. For so long, I viewed my life as a narrow road, one I needed to map out and plan and work hard to ensure that I never took a step off.
But now, life seems as full of opportunities as a day does of minutes. I’m still working on being courageous enough to go after my dreams, still trying to figure out what those dreams actually are.
It’s late, the house is quiet, and the only light is what is pouring out from my computer screen, casting eerie shadows across the walls. And I’m just sitting here thinking over the last year, and wondering what I’m supposed to do in the next…
If anyone has any good ideas, let me know. :)
It seems appropriate, somehow, that this is my last week at my current job. I don't feel like I ever really took time after arriving back in the states to process, to really pray and seek answers for what I should do next in my life.
I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities of life. For so long, I viewed my life as a narrow road, one I needed to map out and plan and work hard to ensure that I never took a step off.
But now, life seems as full of opportunities as a day does of minutes. I’m still working on being courageous enough to go after my dreams, still trying to figure out what those dreams actually are.
It’s late, the house is quiet, and the only light is what is pouring out from my computer screen, casting eerie shadows across the walls. And I’m just sitting here thinking over the last year, and wondering what I’m supposed to do in the next…
If anyone has any good ideas, let me know. :)
Thursday, September 4, 2008
In response to the DNC and the RNC...
whatever happened to the rule "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?!?!?!
I'm very very tired of all the negative campaigning.
Let me know when it's November 5th.
I'm very very tired of all the negative campaigning.
Let me know when it's November 5th.
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