that simple

A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do.

It's how we interact, with our fellow man.

-David Brent "The Office"

nice to see you again

Last night, I went to the wedding of my best friend from elementary school. It was a slightly awkward occasion, full of 10 minute conversations with people I hadn’t seen in years, and will probably not see again until another “Big Event.”

These 10 minute conversations were all the same, full of broad, sweeping generalizations of the happenings in our lives. Jobs, Marriages, Children—trying to explain years of experiences in just a few moments. It was difficult, speaking in sweeping statements with people who once were a part of my every day. And even though they now know where I’m working, and I’m acquainted with their spouse, we’re still as disconnected as we were yesterday morning.

Juxtaposition.

Tonight, my sister hung up a new towel in our kitchen. It’s bright and multicolored and covered in monkeys. It was on clearance and matches a plate and cup belonging to my youngest niece. And it’s these little things, a new towel, a loose tooth, a bad dream, a sunset walk, that make up who we are. When I tell someone I graduated with a degree in Liberal Studies, that I work as a temp, even that I went to Uganda for 6 months, they don’t know who I am at all. But maybe, if they knew that I spend more money on books than clothing, that I’d rather spend a Friday night at home than out, that I still watch Disney Channel movies, that I love sunsets more than sunrises, they’d have more of an understanding…

Just something I’m thinking about tonight.

Dancing

Sometimes, I dance in the car. With my windows rolled down and the radio blaring, my body bops to the rhythm that’s shaking the side panels…

Sometimes, I dance through the house. To music that’s heard only in the recesses of my mind, whirling around and around through empty hallways, across slick tile…

Sometimes, I dance in my mind. Encircled by people, ensconced in my own fears and misgivings, I alone witness the movement my heart envisions...

Sometimes, I dance. Regardless of my surroundings, of the music, of the eyes, of my doubts. I allow myself to break free and move. And that’s when I’m really dancing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve become more mobile in the past year. It’s harder to keep my feet still, almost impossible to not move my hands when I’m speaking about something I’m passionate about. Often, I feel trapped by the limitations of my own physical self, unable to truly communicate what I’m thinking, what I want to say… Somehow this frustration is finding its out pouring in spastic motions that may or may not follow the beat of this world. Slowly, but surely, I’m seeking to find my own rhythm. To learn my own dance.

wishes the only thing she feared was fear itself

I am officially a collector at the water bottling company. No, I didn't take them up on their offer to hire me, so my paycheck is still signed by my temp agency, but I have my own accounts, phone line and email with the company name in it.

I know I'm here because I'm afraid. I was afraid of being unemployed when I returned from Uganda, so I just applied for jobs. Afraid I wasn't qualified for more so I took the first one offered. Afraid of just quitting and not finding anything worthwhile to fill with my time...

I know I'm not trapped by my circumstances. That I could quit tomorrow. That the only thing holding me to my desk is my own fears and insecurities about what I should be doing instead. I keep saying I'll be quitting in the fall (and I will, because I am going on my roadtrip), but I have absolutely no idea what I'll do after that... I don't want to fall into the same trap of just doing anything.

sigh. I'm feeling very disappointed in my own inabilities to just get over my fears and quit and find a job, a vocation, a something... boo.

Heartsick.

While love always brings joy, it can be accompanied by sorrow as well.

lesson from a 5 year old

dance a little less self consciously and just recognize the beauty of movement... and make sure to bow at the end

Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood (Part Deux)

So, at Flipside they’ve been placing a lot of emphasis on our “oikos” (the Greek word for family, neighborhood, community) and on the fact that we are all living where we are for a reason. A truth I’ve always known, but rarely lived out in any concrete way.

I know how blessed I am. I have the most rockin’ people in my life who stretch me, encourage me, challenge me, love me… the list goes on. Recently, however, I’ve been trying to focus on the people in my life who I don’t think about as often. The ones on the fringe that I don’t talk to everyday, or even if I do it’s just to say a quick “hello” as we drift past each other. My neighbors across the street, my coworkers, my family spread across the United States… and how often I miss the opportunity to know them, listen to them, love them.

I’m trying. To be more intentional in every area of my life… some areas are easier than others, but I know it’s worth it. There is so much beauty all around, and so often I miss out by settling for less…

In my mind, it’s all connected. Love, beauty, people, life, God… Every day I’m amazed at the thin gossamer threads that bind it all together, over and over again, creating an intricate pattern visible only if you look for it.

As usual, my mind is running away faster than my fingers can type. I want to at least attempt to capture snapshots of the journey I’m currently running… in hopes that later I’ll be able to see the road I’ve traveled a little more clearly, to better understand where I end up.