Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
talking to myself.
somehow, whenever I endeavor to “teach” someone something, I always end up learning something myself.
My bi-monthly trip to Flipt was at 10:30 this morning. I got a rather disconcerting email from Angie, Flipt admin extraordinaire, on Friday informing me that one of the other Flipt leaders would be gone today and would I mind taking over the 4-5th graders or the K-1ers. For reasons unclear even to me, I forewent the “safe” choice of the familiar K-1 group and took up with a group of 9-11 year olds.
Now, this may not seem like an odd choice to anyone else, but for me it is. For some reason the moment a group of kids becomes “double digit aged” I lose my ability to communicate effectively. One on one I’m fine. I can ask the right questions and get answers about his/her likes and dislikes, their family, their friends and love them well. But in a group? My intricate knowledge of Hannah Montana and the Disney Channel is no longer impressive; my ignorance of Sponge Bob Squarepants and the newest pop hit is met with distain. But I decided on Friday to meet the challenge and face one of my fears:
Preteens or “tweens”
I stumbled through the opening session, helped immensely by my friend Heather. Worship and Large Group flew by and before I knew it 6 faces stared at me, waiting. Sans Heather, my feeble confidence wilted and I began my fall back strategy for dealing with nerves:
Babbling.
I started off using the curriculum-provided questions about shepherds and trust and felt ridiculously out of sync with my group. So I stopped, and read out loud from the verse, hoping against hope that something would penetrate my brain and help me teach these kiddos something, anything about this God who Loves them so.
Psalm 23:1 (I read from the New International Readers Version, because that’s the version of Bible we have in the Flipt room)
The Lord is my shepherd. He gives me everything I need.
I stopped. And asked allowed the question that reverberated in my mind…
“Do you guys believe that? That God really gives us everything we need? Not necessarily everything we want but everything we need?”
I got a few yes’, a couple of no’s, and pressed onward. Talking about the things we “need” vs. “want” like air and love and people and video games and ice cream. And while I’m unsure if any of it penetrated into the hearts and minds of the kiddos, it made me pause.
Do I believe this verse? That everything I need is provided for me?
I want to. I’m not quiet there yet. And while I still have more questions than answers, I’m learning trust and reverence and love. And that sometimes the person that really needs to learn the lesson, the verse, the story-is me.
My bi-monthly trip to Flipt was at 10:30 this morning. I got a rather disconcerting email from Angie, Flipt admin extraordinaire, on Friday informing me that one of the other Flipt leaders would be gone today and would I mind taking over the 4-5th graders or the K-1ers. For reasons unclear even to me, I forewent the “safe” choice of the familiar K-1 group and took up with a group of 9-11 year olds.
Now, this may not seem like an odd choice to anyone else, but for me it is. For some reason the moment a group of kids becomes “double digit aged” I lose my ability to communicate effectively. One on one I’m fine. I can ask the right questions and get answers about his/her likes and dislikes, their family, their friends and love them well. But in a group? My intricate knowledge of Hannah Montana and the Disney Channel is no longer impressive; my ignorance of Sponge Bob Squarepants and the newest pop hit is met with distain. But I decided on Friday to meet the challenge and face one of my fears:
Preteens or “tweens”
I stumbled through the opening session, helped immensely by my friend Heather. Worship and Large Group flew by and before I knew it 6 faces stared at me, waiting. Sans Heather, my feeble confidence wilted and I began my fall back strategy for dealing with nerves:
Babbling.
I started off using the curriculum-provided questions about shepherds and trust and felt ridiculously out of sync with my group. So I stopped, and read out loud from the verse, hoping against hope that something would penetrate my brain and help me teach these kiddos something, anything about this God who Loves them so.
Psalm 23:1 (I read from the New International Readers Version, because that’s the version of Bible we have in the Flipt room)
The Lord is my shepherd. He gives me everything I need.
I stopped. And asked allowed the question that reverberated in my mind…
“Do you guys believe that? That God really gives us everything we need? Not necessarily everything we want but everything we need?”
I got a few yes’, a couple of no’s, and pressed onward. Talking about the things we “need” vs. “want” like air and love and people and video games and ice cream. And while I’m unsure if any of it penetrated into the hearts and minds of the kiddos, it made me pause.
Do I believe this verse? That everything I need is provided for me?
I want to. I’m not quiet there yet. And while I still have more questions than answers, I’m learning trust and reverence and love. And that sometimes the person that really needs to learn the lesson, the verse, the story-is me.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I talk too much
Let us not love wtih words or tongue but with actions and truth.
1John 3:18
"Crazy Love" by Francis Chan is wrecking me. It's beautiful.
1John 3:18
"Crazy Love" by Francis Chan is wrecking me. It's beautiful.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
527,040 minutes (hey, it was a leap year!)
Because I’m still working against my rather egocentric mindset, I spent a lot of time this week thinking about my birthday…
I thought about the past year and all the “firsts” I had, from taking my first cross-Atlantic flight, and then taking 5 more… drinking my first cup of tea while watching my first sunset in Gulu… going on my first date… my first time not getting hired for a job I applied for… the first time I had Thai food… the first time I drove alone down the 15 freeway towards San Diego… my first time white water rafting… and the list goes on.
And then I’d think about all the things I’d like to accomplish this year: moving out of Alta Loma, finding a job I like, learn to sew, become better at community… heck, maybe even get my first kiss. ;)
And then I’d think a little deeper, about all the things I’ve seen outside of myself, from the smiling faces of the kids in Ghana when they were handed their very own football Jersey, to losing Charly, to the incredible generosity of the kids in the Schools for Schools clubs across America. About the prayers I’ve seen answered and the prayers that are still waiting for a response. About peace talks and prayer walks, friendships mending and relationships tearing.
It’s been a very retrospective week.
But then, today, as I was first waking up, I asked myself the toughest question of all: am I more loving than I was a year ago today? Do I love others more? Do I love God more? Or have I just fallen deeper in love with myself?
It’s a hard one for me. I’ve become a lot of things this year: more courageous, more out going, a little more generous, a little less prideful. But more loving? I’m not so sure. But rather than try and answer it today, instead I’m just going to post a reminder of the type of person I want to be…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
At a church service once, the pastor had us replace the word “love” with our own names, to see if we were being loving… it’s the best yardstick I’ve ever had.
I thought about the past year and all the “firsts” I had, from taking my first cross-Atlantic flight, and then taking 5 more… drinking my first cup of tea while watching my first sunset in Gulu… going on my first date… my first time not getting hired for a job I applied for… the first time I had Thai food… the first time I drove alone down the 15 freeway towards San Diego… my first time white water rafting… and the list goes on.
And then I’d think about all the things I’d like to accomplish this year: moving out of Alta Loma, finding a job I like, learn to sew, become better at community… heck, maybe even get my first kiss. ;)
And then I’d think a little deeper, about all the things I’ve seen outside of myself, from the smiling faces of the kids in Ghana when they were handed their very own football Jersey, to losing Charly, to the incredible generosity of the kids in the Schools for Schools clubs across America. About the prayers I’ve seen answered and the prayers that are still waiting for a response. About peace talks and prayer walks, friendships mending and relationships tearing.
It’s been a very retrospective week.
But then, today, as I was first waking up, I asked myself the toughest question of all: am I more loving than I was a year ago today? Do I love others more? Do I love God more? Or have I just fallen deeper in love with myself?
It’s a hard one for me. I’ve become a lot of things this year: more courageous, more out going, a little more generous, a little less prideful. But more loving? I’m not so sure. But rather than try and answer it today, instead I’m just going to post a reminder of the type of person I want to be…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
At a church service once, the pastor had us replace the word “love” with our own names, to see if we were being loving… it’s the best yardstick I’ve ever had.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sometimes I have a tendency to over-think.
I had a lot of ideas about what I could write about tonight…
About my paradoxical desire for community and difficulty engaging in it…
About how God and I talked about being bold and being selfless and letting go of my pride and how so many different aspects of my life are all tangled up in this giant knot that only He can help me untangle…
About how I’m learning about the necessity of transparency within community and how I’m trying to learn how to share better with others…
But then, tonight, I sat down to re-read Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. And between laughing at how many things in my life are pointing towards the same lesson God is teaching me and being challenged to go further, God reminded me that not only are we called to love the world, but He loves us as well.
So tonight, I’m basking in the simplicity of the fact that God loves me right now. With all my flaws, all my sins, my imperfections. He sees through it all and loves.
It’s a pretty wonderful thought to sit with.
About my paradoxical desire for community and difficulty engaging in it…
About how God and I talked about being bold and being selfless and letting go of my pride and how so many different aspects of my life are all tangled up in this giant knot that only He can help me untangle…
About how I’m learning about the necessity of transparency within community and how I’m trying to learn how to share better with others…
But then, tonight, I sat down to re-read Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. And between laughing at how many things in my life are pointing towards the same lesson God is teaching me and being challenged to go further, God reminded me that not only are we called to love the world, but He loves us as well.
So tonight, I’m basking in the simplicity of the fact that God loves me right now. With all my flaws, all my sins, my imperfections. He sees through it all and loves.
It’s a pretty wonderful thought to sit with.
Monday, May 12, 2008
What one voice can do...
educate itself: www.fanista.com/burmaitcantwait/
use itself: www.uscampaignforburma.org
and pray. for everyone.
use itself: www.uscampaignforburma.org
and pray. for everyone.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Grappling With God #1
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is of Jacob wrestling with an angel. I just love the idea of God allowing us to enter into a mental, physical or spiritual struggle with Him as we seek to understand more about Love. And I love that at the end of the story Jacob is reminded that God is God and he, oh goodness, is not (the healing time for a broken hip is a long time, so I’m sure that’s a lesson he remembered for a bit). And then Jacob gets a new name, a new identity, a new hope, which is better than anything he could have asked for or imagined.
I often “wrestle” with God about a lot of things, and while I have never had a hip broken over any of them, I am always gently (or not so gently) reminded that God is God and I, oh goodness, am not. And time and time again, I am blown away by the answer, the solution or the resolution of our struggle, as God teaches me things I never thought I could learn, gives me blessings I never thought I’d receive, allows me to live a life far more amazing than I could ever ask for.
Currently, I feel as though God and I are in the middle of a giant series of matches (I know nothing about wrestling, are there tournaments?) over a wide variety of questions of have. So, here is the first in what may be a series of blogs on me and God, and the “conversations” were having…
It starts with Love, as it always does and always should. I want to love People. I think they’re all pretty swell. And I think one of the best ways to love people is to get to know them. Hang out, listen to their stories. Be joyful when they’re joyful, sad when they’re sad (and, yeah, these ideas aren’t really mine, they’re from a pretty cool book I have ;)).
So, in order to love people, I need to know them. Which brings me to one of the things God and I are talking about: the Responsibility for Education About People.
In the 21st century, living in middle class America, I have been blessed to have a wealth of information right at my finger tips. With time, determination and a bit of ingenuity, I can find out a lot. And while some information may be harder to find (i.e. struggles of people living in less wealthy countries that don’t garner much international attention), it’s still there, if you’re willing to dig a little.
God and I have been talking about how much I need to know about the world. I talk with Him about my “emotional fragility,” my abundance of empathy, the fact that I have a difficult time compartmentalizing my feelings and not letting them run roughshod over my life. “What if I learn to much about it, and am no longer able to be functional?” And then I talk with Him about the fact that my not knowing doesn’t stop it from happening, that my willful attempt to live “blissfully ignorant” doesn’t prevent the suffering of men, women and children. Then I counter with the fact that I’m not the savoir of the world, he’s done that job. And besides, what can one person do? But then, I am reminded that one person can do a lot, even if it’s to tell one other person who’ll tell another person who’ll tell… you know, another person. And eventually people will know and things can start to change…
But then, where do you start? The world is so vast, the internet so large. And it’s difficult to find things on it. (it was very frustrating not being able to monitor the peace talks in Uganda… it took me awhile to find the New Vision, but even that is a biased newspaper… sigh). Do I go with Burma? It’s making headlines, and I know there is so much going on in that country that I don’t know about. Or do I chose a different country, like Angola, a country I know absolutely nothing about and may even have difficulty finding on a map…
There is so much to know, so many people. And yes, I am just one. And I can’t know it all, can’t do it all. But I feel like I have a Responsibility. To take the fact that I have been blessed with access, with intelligence, with community, with resources, with all these things… and do something with it.
God and I are still wrestling with what that looks like. I hope the match ends soon. My brain is tired, my heart needs resolution, and I’m a bit worried about my hip.
I often “wrestle” with God about a lot of things, and while I have never had a hip broken over any of them, I am always gently (or not so gently) reminded that God is God and I, oh goodness, am not. And time and time again, I am blown away by the answer, the solution or the resolution of our struggle, as God teaches me things I never thought I could learn, gives me blessings I never thought I’d receive, allows me to live a life far more amazing than I could ever ask for.
Currently, I feel as though God and I are in the middle of a giant series of matches (I know nothing about wrestling, are there tournaments?) over a wide variety of questions of have. So, here is the first in what may be a series of blogs on me and God, and the “conversations” were having…
It starts with Love, as it always does and always should. I want to love People. I think they’re all pretty swell. And I think one of the best ways to love people is to get to know them. Hang out, listen to their stories. Be joyful when they’re joyful, sad when they’re sad (and, yeah, these ideas aren’t really mine, they’re from a pretty cool book I have ;)).
So, in order to love people, I need to know them. Which brings me to one of the things God and I are talking about: the Responsibility for Education About People.
In the 21st century, living in middle class America, I have been blessed to have a wealth of information right at my finger tips. With time, determination and a bit of ingenuity, I can find out a lot. And while some information may be harder to find (i.e. struggles of people living in less wealthy countries that don’t garner much international attention), it’s still there, if you’re willing to dig a little.
God and I have been talking about how much I need to know about the world. I talk with Him about my “emotional fragility,” my abundance of empathy, the fact that I have a difficult time compartmentalizing my feelings and not letting them run roughshod over my life. “What if I learn to much about it, and am no longer able to be functional?” And then I talk with Him about the fact that my not knowing doesn’t stop it from happening, that my willful attempt to live “blissfully ignorant” doesn’t prevent the suffering of men, women and children. Then I counter with the fact that I’m not the savoir of the world, he’s done that job. And besides, what can one person do? But then, I am reminded that one person can do a lot, even if it’s to tell one other person who’ll tell another person who’ll tell… you know, another person. And eventually people will know and things can start to change…
But then, where do you start? The world is so vast, the internet so large. And it’s difficult to find things on it. (it was very frustrating not being able to monitor the peace talks in Uganda… it took me awhile to find the New Vision, but even that is a biased newspaper… sigh). Do I go with Burma? It’s making headlines, and I know there is so much going on in that country that I don’t know about. Or do I chose a different country, like Angola, a country I know absolutely nothing about and may even have difficulty finding on a map…
There is so much to know, so many people. And yes, I am just one. And I can’t know it all, can’t do it all. But I feel like I have a Responsibility. To take the fact that I have been blessed with access, with intelligence, with community, with resources, with all these things… and do something with it.
God and I are still wrestling with what that looks like. I hope the match ends soon. My brain is tired, my heart needs resolution, and I’m a bit worried about my hip.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
it's more about the drive than the destination
so, it's rather late for me, which will leave my thoughts a bit disjointed and perhaps a bit incoherent, but I wanted to write about today. Because I am the queen of planning to write about something and then not. So, for tonight at least, I'm going to brave sleep deprivation in order to capture a glimpse of my current thoughts.
Brit and I traveled to San Diego today. And, as always, she helped me process through some of the craziness of my mind, listened to cheesy music with me and all in all reminded me how blessed I am to have her in my life.
Today, in a nutty shell :)
During the ride down we talked about the responsibility for education about humanity, our inability to save the world single-handedly, San Francisco plans, relational tithes and Jesus for President.
In San Diego I laughed out loud at God's ability to make it all connect, dreamed for tomorrow, hoped for the world and smiled for friendship, while celebrating Pangea day, reading Siddartha, walking alongside the beach and praying for Burma.
On the way home we copy wrote the title "Stop Settling for Happiness, Strive for Joy," discussed the different ways people relate to God, were thankful for revelations and made plans to do it all again sometime.
The biggest thing I'm learning about, and will always be learning about, is Love. Because that's what it all boils down to for me. I can't get past it, don't really want to. Love for life, for others, for ourselves, for God. Loving enthusiastically, whole-heartedly, recklessly.
There are days when my heart expands so big, I feel like it is going to burst. They're my favorite days of all.
Brit and I traveled to San Diego today. And, as always, she helped me process through some of the craziness of my mind, listened to cheesy music with me and all in all reminded me how blessed I am to have her in my life.
Today, in a nutty shell :)
During the ride down we talked about the responsibility for education about humanity, our inability to save the world single-handedly, San Francisco plans, relational tithes and Jesus for President.
In San Diego I laughed out loud at God's ability to make it all connect, dreamed for tomorrow, hoped for the world and smiled for friendship, while celebrating Pangea day, reading Siddartha, walking alongside the beach and praying for Burma.
On the way home we copy wrote the title "Stop Settling for Happiness, Strive for Joy," discussed the different ways people relate to God, were thankful for revelations and made plans to do it all again sometime.
The biggest thing I'm learning about, and will always be learning about, is Love. Because that's what it all boils down to for me. I can't get past it, don't really want to. Love for life, for others, for ourselves, for God. Loving enthusiastically, whole-heartedly, recklessly.
There are days when my heart expands so big, I feel like it is going to burst. They're my favorite days of all.
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