Little Steps

As some of you may or may not know, I haven’t been working since September. It’s definitely by choice (I saved around half of my paychecks for like 7 months to be able to take a vacation), and it’s been a learning/growing experience in the neatest ways.

At the beginning of my work hiatus I made a 3 week-ish trip to Texas to visit Kristen, the other IC intern with me during my time in Uganda. We had many great conversations about life and love and living with others in our view-space. We talked about our family, friends and acquaintances who are spending their days making the world a better place for people they’ve never met, organizations that are working to end injustices and small ways we can make a daily difference.

It’s that last thing I myself am working at… small ways to make a daily difference. For the past few months my days have started to blend together. A mix of learning how difficult it is to keep a 5 bedroom house clean, cooking (and sometimes ruining) meals, trying to figure out how to keep in touch with people all around the world when I despise the telephone and attempting to start exercising again. A year ago “my” world was so big, and now it seems to have shrunk to this one house, a few people and me.

But although my immediate sphere of influence seems to be so small, I still want to make a difference in the world at large, so I’m working towards that… here are a couple things I’ve learned so far

1. I can eat sweets and stop slavery: The cocoa industry is rife with slavery, and many of the “big names” in chocolate (re: Hersey, Lindt, Nestle) claim they are not responsible for ending this practice, because they buy the chocolate from middle men, not the slave owners themselves. In order to use my consumer vote to stop slavery, I’ve begun buying Fair Trade chocolate. Trader Joe’s has their own line of fair trade chocolate, Sprouts sells fair trade chocolate chips and Dagoba brand chocolate can be found in many grocery stores. Yes, it often costs a bit more (1.99 for the bar at TJ) but it is much higher quality and it helps me eat less chocolate. (for more information on slavery and chocolate check out: http://knol.google.com/k/responsible-shoppers/modern-day-slavery/3vc4m1bitkaj4/4# and for more information on where to buy fair trade chocolate: http://knol.google.com/k/responsible-shoppers/responsible-shopping/3vc4m1bitkaj4/3#)

2. While browsing the internet, I can feed a family: many different websites will donate food if you click a button (the food is paid for by the sponsors whose ads appear after you click). So, take a few moments and visit sites like www.thehungersite.com or go to ww.freerice.com and for every correct trivia answer donate 20 grains of rice.

There are more: writing letters to congressmen while writing Christmas cards, learning to practice consumer voting through researching which brands and stores treat their employees well (from production through each selling point), and just educating people with the meager amount of information I’ve accumulated.

I’m not going to lie: I haven’t been doing too well at this yet. The chocolate was easy for me, but even remembering to go to a couple websites a day to feed people sometimes slips my mind. But I’m working towards it. Because I have been blessed SO much in my life, and I just want to do the same for others.

Love you all. Hope everything is going well. And if you are working to change your world for the better, let me know how. I’d love to help. :)

Betsy for Christ '08

Last night was the first time I really watched the election results pour in; sitting in front of the computer and TV, seeing states turn blue and red. It was also the first time I was able to see people’s reactions in real time. Thanks to internet resources like Facebook and message boards, I observed some people descend to something akin to despair and others ascend to elation…

And then, as I lie in bed, I started thinking about voting. And how the polls closed in California and immediately the state was painted blue, while in Okalahoma it was painted red. How people may feel discouraged from voting in an election unless they live in a swing state. About how much one vote really “mattered.”

But then, I started thinking about the role of the government in my life and the lives of the people around me. A friend and I were talking about how the government is set up to (hopefully) protect the interests of the country… but how we are created to protect the interests of God’s heart.

And I was reminded of the votes that I cast every day that do matter.

I vote for love when I take the time to stop and listen to my niece when she’s having a bad day, when I look a stranger in the eye and ask how their doing, when I put the needs of a friend before my own.

I vote for justice when I take the time to see how the goods I am purchasing were made and work to ensure that no one else had to suffer so that I am comfortable.

I vote for peace when I write letters to governments and people in power asking them to intervene in situations that may feel outside my control.

I vote for grace when I display forgiveness to others and myself.

I know that too often I try and abdicate my responsibility as a Christ follower. To believe that somehow my country, President, church, family, etc, are the one’s who need to be “Christian” in order for the people in my life to see the love of God. But really, it’s me. I am the one whose actions are supposed to portray Jesus to those around me.

So, however people are feeling about the next president, hope, despondency, apathy; my personal mission doesn’t change: to love God and to love people.

I've got a lot on my mind,

so... expect lots of verbal vomitting soon. :)

Thought for the day

"Never forget- Justice is what Love looks like in public" Dr. Cornel West

(this quote is from the trailer to the new movie "Call+Response" on child sex traffiking that is in theaters now...)

twisting and turning, trying to find my way

Change.

I wonder, sometimes, if we have a finite capacity for change. If there is only so many steps we can take from the person we currently are, a block wall preventing us from becoming someone completely different…

I know, for me, that wall is comprised entirely of fear. Fear that change won’t happen, so that I shouldn’t even try. Fear that the unknown is…well, unknown, a place where I can’t control everything, where the rules have changed…

I want to change. I want to become someone different than who I currently am. Not completely different, I like things about me now. But a bit more courage, a bit more faith, more compassion, less fear. Bigger eyes to see, larger ears to hear, a smaller mouth to speak. I want my actions to define me instead of my words. I want people to see in themselves what I do, and to be able to help them do that. I want to wake up in the morning and see all possibilities, to fall into bed at night exhausted by the adventures of life.

To take more risks and spend less time dwelling on failures. To not only stop to smell the roses, but the daises and the daffodils as well. To read more good books and watch less bad TV.

I want to change my habits and my gut reactions. The way I see myself, the distorted image I’ve come to believe as truth. To allow God’s eyes to become mine, His heart to direct mine.

There are moments when I see glimpses of the person I want to become in the person I currently am, and they give me hope. Moments when I feel at peace with the world, myself and God, because I know I am doing what I am supposed to. I believe it’s possible to feel that way all the time.

I sat down to write, thinking of all the things in myself I’d like to see changed, wondering if that was even possible. Wishing to be someone else, someone braver, more confident, more sure. But really, I just need to conquer my own fears: of failure, of my own unworthiness, of, in a way, success.

It makes me sad to see other people paralyzed by fear, because all I can see in them is their potential—it’s hard for be to recognize that I am the exact same way.

But sitting here, on a porch swing with butterflies and gentle breezes, I know that there isn’t really anything to fear. I have God, who loves me, a family that supports me and friends to help me. That even if I go out on a shaky, skinny branch and end up tumbling, I won’t really hit the ground. I’ll be caught up in a net of love and faithfulness and forgiveness.

I haven’t found my next path yet, but I’m learning to believe that no matter where it takes me, it’ll all be okay.

And that there isn’t a limit on where we can go in this life, except those which we place on ourselves.

His eye is on the sparrow...

I've been in Texas for a week now. 7 days of no alarms, no expectations, no obligations. Hours spent on front porch swings, along flowing rivers, watching sparkling stars. Moments of contemplation, pages of wisdom, conversations of dreams. It's been a beautiful mess of relaxation, challenges and even occasional frustration.

For all that I'm trying to let go of my need for plans, I still desire to know not just this step that I'm on, but the subsequent steps as well. I know where I'll be this week: house-sitting for a friends parents with a roof over my head and a well stock pantry. There is no worry that I'll go to bed hungry tonight, or the next night either. There is assurance that this day is cared for, yet I still worry about tomorrow.

will i ever learn?

words fail.

and prayer is what we turn to:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7625515.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7631038.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7635719.stm

"rather a miracle happened: another day of life"

I just finished reading another book by Paulo Coehlo, "Veronika Decides to Die." It's one of those books that I just happened to pick up at the right time in my life.

I'm currently sitting in a bed in the home of Kristen, my fellow intern from Uganda, just outside San Antonio, Texas. I'm currently unemployed, having quit my job and ending my employment last Friday. My goal for this cross country trek is to reconnect with God and myself, and to try and figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm blessed to have unlimited options, but cursed with an inability to make decisions. :/

This book, however, was incredible. It's all about the human tendency to just go through the motions of life, our fear of stepping outside our norm and failing.

I'm trying to learn to live without that fear, to learn to put it into perspective. To realize that "the worst than could happen" isn't all that bad, that one failure is not a big deal, that mistakes help us to grow. I don't want to live my life regretting all the things I could have done, dreaming of opportunities I was afraid of attempting, wishing for "do-overs" that aren't possible.

And here is a long excerpt from the book, in hopes that it will inspire you as it does me:

(this is spoken by a character in the book, who is about to be released from Villete, the insane asylum)

"If I stay here any longer, I won't leave at all. I'm cured of my depression, but in Villete, I've learned that there are other kinds of insanity. I want to carry those with me and begin to see life with my own eyes.

"When I came here, I was deeply depressed. Now I'm proud to say I'm insane. Outside, I'll behave exactly like everyone else. I'll go shopping at the supermarket, I'll exchange trivialities with my friends, I'll waste precious time watching television. But I know that my soul is free and that I can dream and talk with other worlds that, before I came here, I didn't even imagine existed.

"I'm going to allow myself to do a few foolish things, just so that people can say: 'She's just been released from Villete.' But I know that my soul is complete, because my life has meaning. I'll be able to look at a sunset and believe that God is behind it. When someone irritates me, I'll tell them what I think of them, and I won't worry what they think of me, because everyone will say: 'She's just been released from Villete.'

"I'll look at men in the street, right in their eyes, and I won't feel guilty about feeling desired. But immediately after that, I'll go into a shop selling imported goods, buy the best wines my money can buy, and I'll drink that wine with the husband I adore because I want to laugh with him again.

"And laughing he'll say: 'You're crazy!' And I'll say: 'Of course I am, I was in Villete, remember! And madness freed me. Now, my dear husband, you mush have a vacation every year, and make me climb some dangerous mountains, because I need to run the risk of being alive."

it's been a year.

Exactly one year ago today I was flying across the globe, heading for Gulu. It's strange to think how much happened in just 365 days. Recent weeks seem to have dragged by, but I know months that had wings.

It seems appropriate, somehow, that this is my last week at my current job. I don't feel like I ever really took time after arriving back in the states to process, to really pray and seek answers for what I should do next in my life.

I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities of life. For so long, I viewed my life as a narrow road, one I needed to map out and plan and work hard to ensure that I never took a step off.

But now, life seems as full of opportunities as a day does of minutes. I’m still working on being courageous enough to go after my dreams, still trying to figure out what those dreams actually are.

It’s late, the house is quiet, and the only light is what is pouring out from my computer screen, casting eerie shadows across the walls. And I’m just sitting here thinking over the last year, and wondering what I’m supposed to do in the next…

If anyone has any good ideas, let me know. :)

In response to the DNC and the RNC...

whatever happened to the rule "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?!?!?!

I'm very very tired of all the negative campaigning.



Let me know when it's November 5th.

sometimes...

at the end of a very long dayweekyear, we need a little reminderwishprayer that love can indeed conquer allpartsome.

it's been that kind of moment.

Good Ol' Charlie Brown

There is something to be said for Optimism.

Just a little reminder from that round headed kid, and me

and so it goes...

I love when you'll be wrestling with something, trying to figure it all out... and then you get to read about someone else's journey down the very same road...

(Get ready for the longest quote ever... more of an excerpt)

“And then the sentiment occurred. I am certain it was the voices of God because it was accompanied by such a strong epiphany like a movement in a symphony or something. The sentiment was simple: Love your neighbor as yourself.

“And I though about that for a second and wondered why God would put that phrase so strongly in my mind. I thought about our neighbor Mark, who is tall and skinny and gay, and I wondered whether God was telling me that I was gay, which was odd because I had never felt gay, but then it hit me that God was not telling me I was gay. He was saying I would never talk to my neighbor the way I talked to myself, and that somehow I had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but it was okay to do it to myself. I was as if God put me in a plane and flown me over myself so I could see how I was connected, all the neighborhoods that were falling apart because I would not let myself receive love from myself, from others or from God. And I would receive love because I felt it was so wrong. It didn’t feel humble, and I knew I was supposed to be humble. But that was all crap, and it didn’t make any sense. If it is wrong for me to receive love, then it is also wrong for me to give it because by giving it I am causing somebody else to receive it, which I had presupposed was the wrong then to do. So I stopped. I mean that. I stopped hating myself. It no longer felt right. It wasn’t many or healthy, and I cut it out. That was about a year ago, and since then I have been relatively happy. I am not kidding. I don’t sit around and talk bad about myself anymore…

“And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it. I think apart from the idea that I am a sinner and God forgives me, this is the greatest lesson I have ever learned. When you get it, it changes you. My friend Julie from Seattle told me that the main prayer she prayers for her husband is that he will be able to receive love. And this is the prayer I pray for all my friends because it is the key to happiness. God’s love will never change us if we don’t accept it.”

-Donald Miller
Blue Like Jazz

coffee shop conversations

I'm re-reading Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz" for the umpteenth time.

I just love the way he writes. I feel like I’m sitting across from him, and we’re just having a conversation about life, love and God… some how he manages to pause, and let me interject my own thoughts, my own journey into his words. To struggle a bit with what he’s saying, see how it plays out in my experiences; figure out ways to apply it all to me. It’s challenging to read, in the best of ways.

On a completely different note (well, not so different, because it encompasses everything): I love God.

For multiple reasons, of course. I love that He reaches through time and space into my life and speaks to me in ways I so need to hear. It’s been a rough few weeks, as all my doubts and fears about my yesterdays, todays and tomorrows keep bubbling back up to the surface. But, finally, on Sunday, I finally let a few of them go. Kevin talked at Flipside about grace and unconditional love (quoting Donald Miller, thus inspiring my reread) and the difficulty people can have with accepting it.

I do. Unconditional love is so unfathomable to me sometimes. The idea that without me doing anything, God loves. That I don’t have to change the world, change my neighborhood, even change myself, He loves me already, just where I’m at (that doesn’t mean He just wants me to stay here… there are even better places to be).

So, I’ve been thinking a lot this week about God’s love for me, and its many manifestations in my life. And it’s been pretty incredible and healing and very much needed. I feel stronger today than I did yesterday, more sure of God and His ability to take care of me, less worrisome, more peaceful.

I pray the same for all of you.

odds and ends...

I spent quite a bit of time this week with one of my favorite people... we went to hear one of my favorite authors speak, listened to an accordion player praise God, attended a open air symphony and ordered my first serving of green tea yogurt. She's one of the people in my life who make me feel less "crazy," mirroring some of my desires to travel the world, read as many good books as possible and learn how to love others well.

During one of our many conversations, we started talking about how our 6-monthiversary of being back stateside is coming up in August (me from Uganda, her from Thailand/Vietnam), and how difficult we imagine it will be. To see how some of the changes we made in ourselves slipped away, how easy some of our bad habit cropped up again…

I know that too many of mine have managed to sneak back in. Some of them are heartbreaking and will be difficult to remedy: my tendency to doubt people’s desire to have me around, my inclination towards low self-esteem, while others will require determination and accountability: how much time I spend with T.V. and book instead of people, my difficulty saying no, my propensity to become a bit antisocial…

It’s rather bummy, because I liked who I was when I came back from Uganda- a bit surer of myself, somehow stronger if a little idealistic.

I’m determined to get back, although unsure about how. I’ll let y’all know how it goes. :)

feeling shaken. and stirred.

Awhile ago, in a different place and at a different time, I posed this question to myself…

If the Person I was, and the Person I am, and the Person I’m becoming

met

would any of them say “pleased to meet you”?



I’m finding myself in that place again. And wondering once more…

that simple

A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do.

It's how we interact, with our fellow man.

-David Brent "The Office"

nice to see you again

Last night, I went to the wedding of my best friend from elementary school. It was a slightly awkward occasion, full of 10 minute conversations with people I hadn’t seen in years, and will probably not see again until another “Big Event.”

These 10 minute conversations were all the same, full of broad, sweeping generalizations of the happenings in our lives. Jobs, Marriages, Children—trying to explain years of experiences in just a few moments. It was difficult, speaking in sweeping statements with people who once were a part of my every day. And even though they now know where I’m working, and I’m acquainted with their spouse, we’re still as disconnected as we were yesterday morning.

Juxtaposition.

Tonight, my sister hung up a new towel in our kitchen. It’s bright and multicolored and covered in monkeys. It was on clearance and matches a plate and cup belonging to my youngest niece. And it’s these little things, a new towel, a loose tooth, a bad dream, a sunset walk, that make up who we are. When I tell someone I graduated with a degree in Liberal Studies, that I work as a temp, even that I went to Uganda for 6 months, they don’t know who I am at all. But maybe, if they knew that I spend more money on books than clothing, that I’d rather spend a Friday night at home than out, that I still watch Disney Channel movies, that I love sunsets more than sunrises, they’d have more of an understanding…

Just something I’m thinking about tonight.

Dancing

Sometimes, I dance in the car. With my windows rolled down and the radio blaring, my body bops to the rhythm that’s shaking the side panels…

Sometimes, I dance through the house. To music that’s heard only in the recesses of my mind, whirling around and around through empty hallways, across slick tile…

Sometimes, I dance in my mind. Encircled by people, ensconced in my own fears and misgivings, I alone witness the movement my heart envisions...

Sometimes, I dance. Regardless of my surroundings, of the music, of the eyes, of my doubts. I allow myself to break free and move. And that’s when I’m really dancing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve become more mobile in the past year. It’s harder to keep my feet still, almost impossible to not move my hands when I’m speaking about something I’m passionate about. Often, I feel trapped by the limitations of my own physical self, unable to truly communicate what I’m thinking, what I want to say… Somehow this frustration is finding its out pouring in spastic motions that may or may not follow the beat of this world. Slowly, but surely, I’m seeking to find my own rhythm. To learn my own dance.

wishes the only thing she feared was fear itself

I am officially a collector at the water bottling company. No, I didn't take them up on their offer to hire me, so my paycheck is still signed by my temp agency, but I have my own accounts, phone line and email with the company name in it.

I know I'm here because I'm afraid. I was afraid of being unemployed when I returned from Uganda, so I just applied for jobs. Afraid I wasn't qualified for more so I took the first one offered. Afraid of just quitting and not finding anything worthwhile to fill with my time...

I know I'm not trapped by my circumstances. That I could quit tomorrow. That the only thing holding me to my desk is my own fears and insecurities about what I should be doing instead. I keep saying I'll be quitting in the fall (and I will, because I am going on my roadtrip), but I have absolutely no idea what I'll do after that... I don't want to fall into the same trap of just doing anything.

sigh. I'm feeling very disappointed in my own inabilities to just get over my fears and quit and find a job, a vocation, a something... boo.

Heartsick.

While love always brings joy, it can be accompanied by sorrow as well.

lesson from a 5 year old

dance a little less self consciously and just recognize the beauty of movement... and make sure to bow at the end

Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood (Part Deux)

So, at Flipside they’ve been placing a lot of emphasis on our “oikos” (the Greek word for family, neighborhood, community) and on the fact that we are all living where we are for a reason. A truth I’ve always known, but rarely lived out in any concrete way.

I know how blessed I am. I have the most rockin’ people in my life who stretch me, encourage me, challenge me, love me… the list goes on. Recently, however, I’ve been trying to focus on the people in my life who I don’t think about as often. The ones on the fringe that I don’t talk to everyday, or even if I do it’s just to say a quick “hello” as we drift past each other. My neighbors across the street, my coworkers, my family spread across the United States… and how often I miss the opportunity to know them, listen to them, love them.

I’m trying. To be more intentional in every area of my life… some areas are easier than others, but I know it’s worth it. There is so much beauty all around, and so often I miss out by settling for less…

In my mind, it’s all connected. Love, beauty, people, life, God… Every day I’m amazed at the thin gossamer threads that bind it all together, over and over again, creating an intricate pattern visible only if you look for it.

As usual, my mind is running away faster than my fingers can type. I want to at least attempt to capture snapshots of the journey I’m currently running… in hopes that later I’ll be able to see the road I’ve traveled a little more clearly, to better understand where I end up.

"reality"

i wish i had a better grasp on what it really is...

talking to myself.

somehow, whenever I endeavor to “teach” someone something, I always end up learning something myself.

My bi-monthly trip to Flipt was at 10:30 this morning. I got a rather disconcerting email from Angie, Flipt admin extraordinaire, on Friday informing me that one of the other Flipt leaders would be gone today and would I mind taking over the 4-5th graders or the K-1ers. For reasons unclear even to me, I forewent the “safe” choice of the familiar K-1 group and took up with a group of 9-11 year olds.

Now, this may not seem like an odd choice to anyone else, but for me it is. For some reason the moment a group of kids becomes “double digit aged” I lose my ability to communicate effectively. One on one I’m fine. I can ask the right questions and get answers about his/her likes and dislikes, their family, their friends and love them well. But in a group? My intricate knowledge of Hannah Montana and the Disney Channel is no longer impressive; my ignorance of Sponge Bob Squarepants and the newest pop hit is met with distain. But I decided on Friday to meet the challenge and face one of my fears:

Preteens or “tweens”

I stumbled through the opening session, helped immensely by my friend Heather. Worship and Large Group flew by and before I knew it 6 faces stared at me, waiting. Sans Heather, my feeble confidence wilted and I began my fall back strategy for dealing with nerves:

Babbling.

I started off using the curriculum-provided questions about shepherds and trust and felt ridiculously out of sync with my group. So I stopped, and read out loud from the verse, hoping against hope that something would penetrate my brain and help me teach these kiddos something, anything about this God who Loves them so.

Psalm 23:1 (I read from the New International Readers Version, because that’s the version of Bible we have in the Flipt room)

The Lord is my shepherd. He gives me everything I need.

I stopped. And asked allowed the question that reverberated in my mind…

“Do you guys believe that? That God really gives us everything we need? Not necessarily everything we want but everything we need?”

I got a few yes’, a couple of no’s, and pressed onward. Talking about the things we “need” vs. “want” like air and love and people and video games and ice cream. And while I’m unsure if any of it penetrated into the hearts and minds of the kiddos, it made me pause.

Do I believe this verse? That everything I need is provided for me?

I want to. I’m not quiet there yet. And while I still have more questions than answers, I’m learning trust and reverence and love. And that sometimes the person that really needs to learn the lesson, the verse, the story-is me.

I talk too much

Let us not love wtih words or tongue but with actions and truth.

1John 3:18



"Crazy Love" by Francis Chan is wrecking me. It's beautiful.

even the comics have something to say

527,040 minutes (hey, it was a leap year!)

Because I’m still working against my rather egocentric mindset, I spent a lot of time this week thinking about my birthday…

I thought about the past year and all the “firsts” I had, from taking my first cross-Atlantic flight, and then taking 5 more… drinking my first cup of tea while watching my first sunset in Gulu… going on my first date… my first time not getting hired for a job I applied for… the first time I had Thai food… the first time I drove alone down the 15 freeway towards San Diego… my first time white water rafting… and the list goes on.

And then I’d think about all the things I’d like to accomplish this year: moving out of Alta Loma, finding a job I like, learn to sew, become better at community… heck, maybe even get my first kiss. ;)

And then I’d think a little deeper, about all the things I’ve seen outside of myself, from the smiling faces of the kids in Ghana when they were handed their very own football Jersey, to losing Charly, to the incredible generosity of the kids in the Schools for Schools clubs across America. About the prayers I’ve seen answered and the prayers that are still waiting for a response. About peace talks and prayer walks, friendships mending and relationships tearing.

It’s been a very retrospective week.

But then, today, as I was first waking up, I asked myself the toughest question of all: am I more loving than I was a year ago today? Do I love others more? Do I love God more? Or have I just fallen deeper in love with myself?

It’s a hard one for me. I’ve become a lot of things this year: more courageous, more out going, a little more generous, a little less prideful. But more loving? I’m not so sure. But rather than try and answer it today, instead I’m just going to post a reminder of the type of person I want to be…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

At a church service once, the pastor had us replace the word “love” with our own names, to see if we were being loving… it’s the best yardstick I’ve ever had.

Sometimes I have a tendency to over-think.

I had a lot of ideas about what I could write about tonight…

About my paradoxical desire for community and difficulty engaging in it…

About how God and I talked about being bold and being selfless and letting go of my pride and how so many different aspects of my life are all tangled up in this giant knot that only He can help me untangle…

About how I’m learning about the necessity of transparency within community and how I’m trying to learn how to share better with others…

But then, tonight, I sat down to re-read Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. And between laughing at how many things in my life are pointing towards the same lesson God is teaching me and being challenged to go further, God reminded me that not only are we called to love the world, but He loves us as well.

So tonight, I’m basking in the simplicity of the fact that God loves me right now. With all my flaws, all my sins, my imperfections. He sees through it all and loves.

It’s a pretty wonderful thought to sit with.

What one voice can do...

educate itself: www.fanista.com/burmaitcantwait/

use itself: www.uscampaignforburma.org

and pray. for everyone.

Grappling With God #1

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is of Jacob wrestling with an angel. I just love the idea of God allowing us to enter into a mental, physical or spiritual struggle with Him as we seek to understand more about Love. And I love that at the end of the story Jacob is reminded that God is God and he, oh goodness, is not (the healing time for a broken hip is a long time, so I’m sure that’s a lesson he remembered for a bit). And then Jacob gets a new name, a new identity, a new hope, which is better than anything he could have asked for or imagined.

I often “wrestle” with God about a lot of things, and while I have never had a hip broken over any of them, I am always gently (or not so gently) reminded that God is God and I, oh goodness, am not. And time and time again, I am blown away by the answer, the solution or the resolution of our struggle, as God teaches me things I never thought I could learn, gives me blessings I never thought I’d receive, allows me to live a life far more amazing than I could ever ask for.

Currently, I feel as though God and I are in the middle of a giant series of matches (I know nothing about wrestling, are there tournaments?) over a wide variety of questions of have. So, here is the first in what may be a series of blogs on me and God, and the “conversations” were having…

It starts with Love, as it always does and always should. I want to love People. I think they’re all pretty swell. And I think one of the best ways to love people is to get to know them. Hang out, listen to their stories. Be joyful when they’re joyful, sad when they’re sad (and, yeah, these ideas aren’t really mine, they’re from a pretty cool book I have ;)).

So, in order to love people, I need to know them. Which brings me to one of the things God and I are talking about: the Responsibility for Education About People.

In the 21st century, living in middle class America, I have been blessed to have a wealth of information right at my finger tips. With time, determination and a bit of ingenuity, I can find out a lot. And while some information may be harder to find (i.e. struggles of people living in less wealthy countries that don’t garner much international attention), it’s still there, if you’re willing to dig a little.

God and I have been talking about how much I need to know about the world. I talk with Him about my “emotional fragility,” my abundance of empathy, the fact that I have a difficult time compartmentalizing my feelings and not letting them run roughshod over my life. “What if I learn to much about it, and am no longer able to be functional?” And then I talk with Him about the fact that my not knowing doesn’t stop it from happening, that my willful attempt to live “blissfully ignorant” doesn’t prevent the suffering of men, women and children. Then I counter with the fact that I’m not the savoir of the world, he’s done that job. And besides, what can one person do? But then, I am reminded that one person can do a lot, even if it’s to tell one other person who’ll tell another person who’ll tell… you know, another person. And eventually people will know and things can start to change…

But then, where do you start? The world is so vast, the internet so large. And it’s difficult to find things on it. (it was very frustrating not being able to monitor the peace talks in Uganda… it took me awhile to find the New Vision, but even that is a biased newspaper… sigh). Do I go with Burma? It’s making headlines, and I know there is so much going on in that country that I don’t know about. Or do I chose a different country, like Angola, a country I know absolutely nothing about and may even have difficulty finding on a map…

There is so much to know, so many people. And yes, I am just one. And I can’t know it all, can’t do it all. But I feel like I have a Responsibility. To take the fact that I have been blessed with access, with intelligence, with community, with resources, with all these things… and do something with it.

God and I are still wrestling with what that looks like. I hope the match ends soon. My brain is tired, my heart needs resolution, and I’m a bit worried about my hip.

it's more about the drive than the destination

so, it's rather late for me, which will leave my thoughts a bit disjointed and perhaps a bit incoherent, but I wanted to write about today. Because I am the queen of planning to write about something and then not. So, for tonight at least, I'm going to brave sleep deprivation in order to capture a glimpse of my current thoughts.

Brit and I traveled to San Diego today. And, as always, she helped me process through some of the craziness of my mind, listened to cheesy music with me and all in all reminded me how blessed I am to have her in my life.

Today, in a nutty shell :)

During the ride down we talked about the responsibility for education about humanity, our inability to save the world single-handedly, San Francisco plans, relational tithes and Jesus for President.

In San Diego I laughed out loud at God's ability to make it all connect, dreamed for tomorrow, hoped for the world and smiled for friendship, while celebrating Pangea day, reading Siddartha, walking alongside the beach and praying for Burma.

On the way home we copy wrote the title "Stop Settling for Happiness, Strive for Joy," discussed the different ways people relate to God, were thankful for revelations and made plans to do it all again sometime.

The biggest thing I'm learning about, and will always be learning about, is Love. Because that's what it all boils down to for me. I can't get past it, don't really want to. Love for life, for others, for ourselves, for God. Loving enthusiastically, whole-heartedly, recklessly.

There are days when my heart expands so big, I feel like it is going to burst. They're my favorite days of all.

"heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss"

I was teaching in Flipt yesterday for the first time in... what feels like forever. We were talking about encouraging other people and a bit about fellowship in the early church. During both services I got a bit caught up in the drama of the day (the kiddos have spring fever in a bad way) and didn’t really stop and think about some of the things I learned through talking.


You see, for some reason, I feel like God talks to me when my lips are moving sometimes. It’s odd. I’ll be having a conversation with someone and words, thoughts, insights will leave my mouth never having entered my brain before. It’s an odd phenomena, but I love it.

So, yesterday the kiddos had an opportunity to share what they liked best about fellowshipping (or as I said “hanging out”) with their friends in Flipt. The answers varied, but a number said “playing/talking/seeing my friends. One time I responded “I know, isn’t it so cool that God wants to hang out with our friends?

Today, I was thinking about that. How it really is “cool” how God wants us to value our relationship with people. That while loving Him were loving Them; listening to their stories, sharing their joys, listening to their sorrows.

I’ve been thinking a lot about love; what it means to “love your neighbor as yourself,” the “right” way to love someone, the cost of love, the difference between love and “wish the best for,” the list goes on…

But today, just for a moment, I thought about how “cool” love is. How great it is to have someone to play with, someone to laugh with, someone to just do life with.

And how awesome it is that God just wants me to “hang out” with people. I think I can do that.


(title is a quote from John Mark McMillan's song "How He Loves")

for tonight.

"now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy"
-rives

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu_PQBmk-6c&feature=related

perhaps there is nothing new under the sun, but I haven't experienced it all anyways

I've been trying hard to "educate myself" recently. Read better books, spend more time looking at the news and less time watching T.V. Remembering that the beauty in people far surpasses anything I could dream up during a nap and that while the sun will come out tomorrow it’s out today and I should enjoy it.

I’m working to not overwhelm myself with all I don’t know, and instead focus on the new things I learn each day (today, for instance, I learned that Uganda’s New Vision newspaper has a website, that Brittany has a friend Elsa to pray for, that I can go 3 miles on an elliptical machine and about how mustard was viewed in Jesus’ time and exactly how revolutionary the idea of the kingdom of heaven being like a mustard seed really was… I really want to take a class on Jewish culture during the early church). I’m trying to figure out how to incorporate true community into my life and remembering that the people in my family are a pretty cool bunch to hang out with.

It’s pretty exciting. How huge the world is, how much there is to see and do, how many things there are to learn, people there are to love, moments there are to shape you.

And even though the “future” seems scarily vague and I’m not looking forward to 8 hours of data entry tomorrow… I’m very excited to see exactly what the day holds.

I've always been better in spurts

somehow through the whirling dervish that is my mind, God still manages to remind me to stop. Smell the roses. Listen to someone else. And breathe.

It’s all quiet transitory anyways.

Home

n.
A place where one lives; a residence.
American Heritage Dictionary

It seems so simple. "a place...a residence." Strip away emotion, and all that is left is a building. A few rooms, some floors, hopefully a roof.

But, I know home is so much more than that. It's a sense of belonging. Of togetherness. Of doing life alongside people. A place of refuge, a place of purpose, of opportunity.

I've thought more about this idea of "Home" in the past few months than I ever thought possible. Is "home" a location, as american heritage dictionary would have me believe, or is it simply a feeling? Can I be home at more than one place? Can someone never be home at all? Where is my home?

That last one is the hardest for me now. Because I do belong where I am, in Alta Loma, in some ways. There are people here who love and support me, a job that provides my neccesities, a church I adore. And God, obviously, is everywhere.

In other ways, however, I feel like I don't belong. A bit out of step with the world around me, either a few steps ahead or lagging behind. People around me are moving forward towards dreams, goals and ambitions, and I've been spinning my wheels for the past 6 weeks.

I don't know if I need a change of scenery, a change of perspective, a change of pace, a change of heart. But I know I need some sort of change. Because I am convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that life is meant to be lived not just survived. That there is purpose in everyday, an opportunity to love, a chance to be loved. That we have gifts and talents we can use to bless others, communities that we can be a part of, people that we can let into our hearts.

A place to call home.

And I feel like I'm just searching for the path that will take me to mine.


I've decided to be a but more public with what I'm currently going through in my heart and mind, in hopes that people will enter into this journey with me and pray as I look to see what God has next for me. I feel so blessed to do life with the people God has given me, and I'm so thankful for you all. I just know that where I am now isn't where I'm supposed to be forever, and I'm a bit impatient to get onto the next step... whatever that is.

I love you all. God Bless,
Betsy

Thoughts I'm Pondering

While in UG I was introduced to one of my new favorite authors: Paulo Coelho. And as I struggle to figure out what the next step in my own journey is, here are some amazing quotes from his work "The Alchemist." I hope they bless you as they bless me...

It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.

What's the world's greatest lie? It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.

People learn early in their lives what is their reason for being.

When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.

I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living now.

When you are in love, things make even more sense

Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense.

"There is only one way to learn," the alchemist answered. "It's through action. Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey.

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them.

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.
Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him.

When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there's no need at all to understand what's happening, because everything happens within you.

Hola.

So, I'm back in Alta Loma. So I guess the "where's Betsy now?" question is easily answerable (except mentally. Because I have no idea where my mind is half the time)

I'm still figuring out next steps... job, school, life. I didn't end up with that position in San Diego, so I don't really know what's on the horizon.

thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers. I love you all

-betsy

[untitled]

It's Saturday morning, 16 days to go till I'm on a plane back to the states. I'm in the office right now, getting ready to visit a school site (Atanga) and take some pictures of the construction works there...

I don't have a lot of time, and my brain is uber fuzzy whenever I try to think/speak/right coherently... so I'm going to post something I've already written. For those of you who don't know (which I think is the majority), I applied to work in the Invisible Children office in San Diego. I'm being interviewed for it next week, but I'm going to just copy and paste something I wrote in my letter of intent... I think it's a pretty good summary of how I feel at this moment...

It has been here, in Gulu, that I feel like I’ve started becoming the person I want to be. I’ve seen how my quirky strength of loving admin work (crossing items off a checklist gives me a little personal high) can be used to help others accomplish amazing goals and dreams. My own weakness of being a little too detail-orientated has been offset by people who dream of wonderful, big ideas that motivate me in ways I can’t do myself. I’ve met people who have suffered hardship after hardship, but they still have the most beautiful smiles that split their face in two over the simplest pleasures; friends whose kindness and generosity amongst their own financial struggles have inspired me; children whose laughter ringing through the air reminds me that hope survives all things.

love you all... see you soon.
betsy

for sunshine and smiles everywhere

HEALS has always been a sort of refuge for me in Gulu. With brightly painted walls, a library, and smiling kids—lots of smiling kids, it has always been one of my favorite places to come. It’s the site of many of my favorite Ugandan memories—learning cultural dances, singing songs in Luo, rocking a baby to sleep—have happened within the tiny compound. Knowing what joy I always get when I visit, I decided to volunteer with some administrative needs the fledgling NGO has.
It’s been an eye opening experience. My first task was to type up some of the beneficiaries’ information, including their life story. It’s heartbreaking—stories of parents lost to AIDS, fathers killed by rebel activities, mothers working long hours to try and scrape up money for the family’s daily bread. To read children’s worries that they won’t be able to eat tomorrow, that their mother suffering from HIV won’t be there next year, that they’ll get kicked out of school again for not paying their school fees…
And that’s where my heart squeezes even tighter. Seeing receipts for school fee payments… The cost for one term of primary school runs anywhere from 3,000 to 15,000 Uganda Shillings—at the current rate of exchange (it was 1720 shillings to a dollar the last time I checked) that’s from $1.75 to just under $9. These children, ranging in ages 5-18, are worried about scraping together 2 dollars in order to get a basic education.
So, I’m trying to think of ways to help. Sustainable ways, more than a car wash or a can drive (both of which I may end up doing when I’m back in the states: heads up!). Joly, the country director of both Invisible Children and HEALS, wants to try and get some of the children’s stories on the internet, in hopes that people will read them and donate money. I know you can do a “cause” on Facebook, which will allow people to donate to an organization, and we’re hoping to sign up HEALS as one… I don’t have any web skills, really, but maybe someone knows how to set up a simple HTML one? There is also the fact that HEALS isn’t a registered non-profit in the U.S., so I don’t think donations made to the organization would be tax deductible…
It’s a lot to think about and figure out, but it’s worth it. Most definitely worth it.

My Own Top 3

Late (possibly too late) last night, Jamie and I were talking, and he asked me an out of the blue question…

“Betsy, what are the top 3 best things about being white and single in Gulu?”

I told him I needed some time to think about some AND answers. Single in Gulu is one thing; White in Gulu is another, so I took a few minutes to construct my answer. Here’s what I came up with:

The Number 3 Best Thing about Being Single and White in Gulu:

A few weeks after arriving in Gulu, you are giving this handy dandy pair of “Gulu Goggles.” They soon weld themselves to your head, and perform the miraculous task of making everyone you encounter more attractive, including yourself. Before you leave for work in the morning, a quick glance in the mirror confirms what you already knew: You Look Fabulous. The one downside of Gulu Goggles is their inability to stay in place once you depart from Gulu… so when you arrive back in the States and look at pictures of yourself, you are appalled that you ever left the house with your hair like that.

The Number 2 Best Thing about Being Single and White in Gulu:

How shocked the Acholi are when they find out you are single. The nice shocked “you ARE?!” as though they can’t imagine a person as beautiful and white as you are being unattached. It’s so nice, being viewed like you must have beaten people off with a stick to remain unmarried. So much better than the pity in the eyes of people in the US when you tell them no, you didn’t have a date for New Years… or Valentine’s Day… or almost every other day this year.

But the Number 1 Best Thing about Being Single and White in Gulu is…

Knowing you could be Married and White in Gulu tomorrow, if only you so desired. :)

Love you all. Have a great weekend!
betsy

Walkin' in Memphis ain't got nothing on Gulu

Last night after work, I walked home with Jamie. First we had to make a couple of detours…

First stop, Betty’s house. Living right next store to the IC office, she knows most of the IC staff—Muzugu’s and Ugandans alike. With a smile and a wave, she’s the marker for the drawing of every one of my walks to the office. Even though she has had her own set of troubles, she’s still managing to help others, meeting with single mothers from Gulu and helping them get their lives on track.

Next, a quick stop at HEALS, to pick up something for Kope Café, watch some traditional dancing and setting up a time for me to come and do some administrative work. I’d forgotten how much I love that place.

A quick jaunt through town, a stop over at Kope, and we walked home as the sun set on the horizon…

I love this place. So much it’s hard to convey in black and white.

who are the people in your neighborhood?

One of the [many] things I love about being in Uganda is meeting all the different mzungu's (white people).

We have quite the "international community," and it's been wonderful getting to know people from all around the world. Everyone has these amazing stories of where they've been and inspiring plans for where they're going. Last night there was a goodbye party for Hilda, one of our friends from the Netherlands, who has been in Gulu for the last 6 months preforming research for her thesis. Looking around at the assorted group of long term Gulu-ites, short term vistors and middling interns, I thought about how I would have never imagined meeting such a diverse group of people, all brought together by our love for the people of Uganda.

It's been such a blessing allowing them to speak wisdom, comfort and truth into my life.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This week at the office has been crazy busy [which, oddly enough, I love], but I've gotten a lot accomplished. I'm heading back down to Kampala this weekend to attend the wedding of our HR representative, Jerry, which should be a blast.

I love you all, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
-betsy

safe and [relatively] sound

So, I have made it to Gulu and am back at the IC office. :) It's been an interesting adventure arriving here, between rescheduled plane take-offs, the loss of luggage, a broken shower door and rocketing gas prices, but I'm here and feeling so blessed.

Due to a personnel loss within the Schools for Schools program, my work load seems to have increased exponentially, so I don't have a lot of time to update all of you, but I wanted to say thanks again for all your prayers and support. I love you all

Here's a little something I wrote yesterday, at Kope Cafe during and after an unexpected rainstorm...

In Gulu, life stops for rain.

A culture transported by feet, bicycles and boda bodas (motorcycles) in a climate that is normally very warm, the people don’t want to be out. A storm in the morning is an accepted excuse for being late to work, you can’t hire a boda to take you anywhere, the streets become deserted—no one wants to travel in the rain.

So they don’t. When the drizzle begins, feet move faster, eyes begin searching for shelter.

And when the downpour starts, they stop. Boda drivers find refuge in store fronts, cyclists in front porches, walkers under school eves.

And as their distaste for cold pushes them further inside, their love for community pushes people together.

Strike what I said earlier… in Gulu, life begins with rain.

As the rain hammers down on the street outside; laughter fills the indoors. Tea is brewed, stories are shared, relationships are started; strangers become friends.

And even I, a girl who was so excited to leave California because I was so tired for rain, am a bit saddened to hear the downpour return to a drizzle, the drizzle fade into silence.

So I start… looking to the sky for a rain cloud and laughter.

For life to begin again.

leaving on a jet plane

well, I'm off again. :)

please be in prayer for the situation in Kenya, and for the January 31st deadline.

I love you all.
betsy