Post for Remembrance - Part 2

I loved the study of the Tabernacle. Flipping back and forth from the Old to New Testament. Marveling at the care that God put into it all; looking at the names of all the craftsmen, imaging the humble awe that must have filled them as they worked with their physical hands to honor that which is Unseen and Holy. Realizing again and again and again how Awesome and Holy and Loving and Gracious and Merciful and Worthy is the God I serve. How personal our relationship can be. How great the Gift of the Cross. I began to devour the Word, doing what I’ve knowing for years I was supposed to do but for what felt like for the first time I truly wanted to do…

Then, one night, Heather shared this:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/06/an-internet-love-story-part-1-how-to-live-free/

And my heart woke up again. To the idea of a life outside the mundane. Of a life of joy and freedom and calling. Of being who God wants me to be instead of the me I’m settling for.  And I began to dream again...
Satan knows my number. I only have like 3 phone numbers memorized (one of them an out of date and useless old home number), but he must have mine on speed dial. As soon as my heart leaps towards Africa, he insidiously creeps into my mind with all the doubts, all the questions, all the fears… I’m not worthy. I’m not capable. No one actually gets to live the life they dream of, we’re all settling for fluorescent lighting and counting down to heaven. Who exactly do you think you are? What can do you/offer/give anyone?

And this is why. Why I’m struggling to remember all that God has done since Heather read a blog entry about Peace and Shalom and Uganda and a world that needs people to Love and be Joyful.
So I began to dream and to pray and to wrestle with my own doubts and seek wisdom and peace and guidance.

I started reading. Books like “Unchristian” and “Kisses from Katie” and “1,000 Gifts.”  While house-sitting for Hannah I kept putting down “Kisses from Katie” and crying – knowing that I wasn’t living the life I’m supposed to, but unsure of how to go forward. When Hannah came back from her retreat, we spent an evening talking about God and callings and discernment. I love how God places people in our lives “for such a time as this,” so that we can learn and grow together.

The following weekend I went to a mini-retreat to plan Flipside’s Women’s retreat. Me. The “woman” who still feels like a girl and usually feels a bit out of step with any Women’s ministry event (honestly, I haven’t gone to many…) went for a weekend to Palm Springs to help PLAN A RETREAT.  Excited and nervous I went along for the ride.

The first night the 12 ladies who were there worshipped through song and then were invited to share about things going on in our lives that we could be lifting each other up in prayer about. I didn’t share that night, even though my heart and mind were racing. I thought about it again and again, but decided not to. I figured the moment had passed and that I was just supposed to focus on retreat planning. The whole day of Saturday the team was supposed to hammer out details for the weekend, we didn’t have a ton of time, so we were on a pretty tight schedule. After we listened to Heather share about her topics for the teaching times we broke into small groups to discuss small group questions.

Sometimes I forget how big God is and that He can be in the details. That there isn’t a decision or a moment that He isn’t sovereign over and that He wants to be in control of ALL our lives – even what group of 3 women we are separated into during a 20 minute break out session at a retreat planning meeting.

It was Hannah, Malorie and I. Two women whom I love and respect and have travelled an ocean with and would gladly do so again.

“Why aren’t you in Africa?”

It may be my most favorite and most hated question. Because it affirms that this is where I’m meant to be. That other people can see my heart and passion and believe that God can move and work through me in the place my soul longs for. But it also means that they see my disobedience, my fear, my distrust that God is in control and that He works all things out for His own Glory – and that He is GOOD

Malorie asked. Hannah and I caught eyes and laughed. Because we were taken back to only 5 days earlier where I confessed.

My worry about being worthy, of being Enough. My pride in not wanting to ask for support.  My fear that someone else should go, that someone else would be better, smarter, more equipped.

And these 2 women? These beautiful, Godly women whom I love and admire and respect? Took my fears and worries and doubts and shone the light of God on them – revealing their smallness in view of the Greatness of Our Lord. And they shared their own hearts and the callings in their lives and we prayed and smiled and never quite got to figuring out the best small group questions…