Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Post for Rembrence - Part 1

I know that there will be tough days ahead. That I will doubt that God has called me, that He can use me, that He already HAS used me. So, per the advice of my Dad, Hannah, Brittany, Jaymee... pretty much everyone, I'm going to start trying to document my slow, lurching, beautiful walk along the way God is leading me.

It was fear.  I knew it then, as clearly as I know it now. That deep unsettling gnawing in my stomach when I hung up the phone with David (the leader of CMFI's ministry in Ethiopia). Trying to find a place to live? Move to a country I'd never seen? Trust my finances to anyone other than myself? Trust my FUTURE to anyone but myself?

I couldn't do it. Couldn't surrender. Ignored all of what God had told me and focused on the anxiety, the fear, the swirling thoughts of all the ways things couldn't work out and how I'd be out of control. Me. The girl who'd plan and save and make sure that there wasn't an I written that couldn't be dotted.

So I copped out. Made references to returning to school, random inquiries and applications to college, half-heart requests for assistance. Because this was something I could control. If I went back to school, if I became a teacher, this was a path with a clear shot. No risk, no fear. Make enough to pay off debt, have a fall back plan. Sure, this meant delaying the call even longer - because of course I'd pay off my debt, of course I'd want to establish a career that would be there if Africa didn't work out.

Africa. With its red dirt and dark faces and sunshine and smiles and places that weren't "home" but called to my heart like no where else ever had. Hands that slipped easily into mine connected to arms and bodies and faces that I loved. Loved without knowing where the love came from, but the songs that we'd sing without me even knowing the words and the laughter that came as we neither understood and yet knew without saying.

"why do you want to go back?" because I'm ME there. In Africa where the unfamiliar fits so much better than the familiar. Where the rough edges of me slid along smooth lines and I find myself knowing God and Me and You and Us so much better than I ever did here in the florescent lighting and convenience stores.

The 1st week of December. I decided I wouldn't go back. I'd make my own path, ignore my hearts cry and follow my pragmatic, fearful, anxious brain towards the path of least risk.

I lasted... 2 months?

I started the year as you always do, full of plans to make a better Me. On my own merit I would become healthier, faster, more spiritual, more worthy. I love that God still works within me, even when I'm ridiculously prideful. During a run I was praying and thinking about how the Bible says God is dwelling within us - how we our bodies are to be living sanctuaries. It hit me hard and I even had along conversation with Anna and Maura about it. So when Flipside announced there would be a study on The Tabernacle, I knew I had to do it. I sucked down my apprehension about Beth Moore (I know have no idea why I didn't like her before) and signed up...

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