Post for Rembrence - Part 1

I know that there will be tough days ahead. That I will doubt that God has called me, that He can use me, that He already HAS used me. So, per the advice of my Dad, Hannah, Brittany, Jaymee... pretty much everyone, I'm going to start trying to document my slow, lurching, beautiful walk along the way God is leading me.

It was fear.  I knew it then, as clearly as I know it now. That deep unsettling gnawing in my stomach when I hung up the phone with David (the leader of CMFI's ministry in Ethiopia). Trying to find a place to live? Move to a country I'd never seen? Trust my finances to anyone other than myself? Trust my FUTURE to anyone but myself?

I couldn't do it. Couldn't surrender. Ignored all of what God had told me and focused on the anxiety, the fear, the swirling thoughts of all the ways things couldn't work out and how I'd be out of control. Me. The girl who'd plan and save and make sure that there wasn't an I written that couldn't be dotted.

So I copped out. Made references to returning to school, random inquiries and applications to college, half-heart requests for assistance. Because this was something I could control. If I went back to school, if I became a teacher, this was a path with a clear shot. No risk, no fear. Make enough to pay off debt, have a fall back plan. Sure, this meant delaying the call even longer - because of course I'd pay off my debt, of course I'd want to establish a career that would be there if Africa didn't work out.

Africa. With its red dirt and dark faces and sunshine and smiles and places that weren't "home" but called to my heart like no where else ever had. Hands that slipped easily into mine connected to arms and bodies and faces that I loved. Loved without knowing where the love came from, but the songs that we'd sing without me even knowing the words and the laughter that came as we neither understood and yet knew without saying.

"why do you want to go back?" because I'm ME there. In Africa where the unfamiliar fits so much better than the familiar. Where the rough edges of me slid along smooth lines and I find myself knowing God and Me and You and Us so much better than I ever did here in the florescent lighting and convenience stores.

The 1st week of December. I decided I wouldn't go back. I'd make my own path, ignore my hearts cry and follow my pragmatic, fearful, anxious brain towards the path of least risk.

I lasted... 2 months?

I started the year as you always do, full of plans to make a better Me. On my own merit I would become healthier, faster, more spiritual, more worthy. I love that God still works within me, even when I'm ridiculously prideful. During a run I was praying and thinking about how the Bible says God is dwelling within us - how we our bodies are to be living sanctuaries. It hit me hard and I even had along conversation with Anna and Maura about it. So when Flipside announced there would be a study on The Tabernacle, I knew I had to do it. I sucked down my apprehension about Beth Moore (I know have no idea why I didn't like her before) and signed up...

Learning Discipline

I'm lacking discipline.

I see it in the corners of my life that I try to hide. The moments of solitude that I let slip away, filling them with useless hours upon hours of TV. The bites of food that I "know I shouldn't eat" but do anyway. The numerous convictions at night that have fled by the dawn. Half filled journals, unfinished books scattered across the floor.

I have owned a Bible for over 1/2 my life... and I don't think I've ever read the book of Amos.

I wanted to be disciplined. a disciple. One who follows in Your path. To live a life of thanksgiving, of prayer, of joy, of trust. To realize that You reveal yourself to those who ask, seek, knock.

Lord, I know that I start and I stop. and I start and I stop. and I start and I stop. That my walk with you has been lurching, stumbling. That there have been days, weeks, months where I haven't moved.

Jesus, thank you. Thank you that you wait. that you never let go, give up or move away. That you still love me with a burning passion, despite my wandering eyes, my impatient heart.

I want to be disciplined. To find my Hope, my Peace, my Rest in You. to cling to Your Promises.

the Joy Dare. Day One.

3 Gifts learned

1. Nothing is as satisfying as the knowledge that you have acted as God would have you

2. That Love Always Wins

3. How to read, to write, to communicate

Hello, again

Well, change is in the air. I would say "again," but isn't "always" more appropriate? The world is always shifting, changing, moving forward at various rates of speed, I just rarely take the time to note its progress, except at those random moments when it jerks forward so quickly you don't have a choice.

The last 12 months were in no way a holding pattern... but the next 12? seem almost insurmountable in regards to the adjustments headed my way. Weddings, graduations, career changes, re-locations... all around people I love are getting ready for the next "big phase."

and, finally, I am too.

because finally, after all these years?

I'm headed back across the ocean. :)

26...

Sometimes I worry that I'm treating life like a stop-gap, instead of an opportunity. That I'm spending to much time planning my tomorrows that I'm missing all my todays. Counting down hours to ends instead of experiencing the middles.

I keep looking forward. Waiting for the day I take a leap, do something grand, live a life that's FULL.

I need Courage. Strength. Boldness. Direction.

And I'm thinking, probably a rather large push.

Thoughts from Portland

It’s ridiculously green here, like someone stole all the green crayons from a 64 pack of Crayolas and used them all the way down to a nub. There are trees anywhere and everywhere from the unexpected forest along the train track to the cherry blossom tree in front of a bank in downtown. I’m even appreciating the never ending “scattered showers” that seem to blend together, knowing they are why the landscape is so vibrant and alive.

I like Portland as a city. It’s slower than LA, but it still seems to move. There are people pouring out of buildings with every sort of attire, all heading places with purpose, but courtesy. I’ve about perfected my Portland Pedestrian wave, the jaunty “thank you” that walkers pass over to drivers when they stop. But don’t misunderstand me; Portlanders are not lackadaisical in their movement. Locals check for cars but not for crossing signals, speed limits are acknowledged but not followed exactly. I like the pace. It’s a city getting where it needs to go, but not at the expense of others.

We saw a jug band on Sunday. It was a perfect moment out of time, as we hurried past the persistent food stand hawkers at the Saturday/Sunday Street fair and heard the soft strains of a banjo. There was a man playing washboard percussion and a woman playing the washtub bass. It was an Emmitt Otter’s Jug Band Christmas dream come true.

I’m not ready to leave Oregon. With the beauty of the drives and the convenience of the train, I’m not looking forward to returning to the pavement and rush of “normal life.” But I’ll be back, hopefully in the summertime to view the roses in bloom. :)

A Call to Action

I know its been forever since I posted anything, and I really do need to get back into it...

But even more important: you can help end a war. Show the U.S. Government and the world's leaders that we desire to put a stop to the longest running war and end Kony's reign of terror throughout Eastern Africa.

how:

1. Visit www.wewantobama.com
2. Sign the petition calling for President Obama to lead the effort to end the war in Uganda
3. Tell you friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances, people you pass on the street to do the same.

Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can change the world.

Thank you.

Twitter-riffic?

Twitter is the new rage on the internet… people attempting to encapsulate their entire beings into 150 characters (it’s not something I have joined, as I have already written 148 and not said anything…)

But because I haven’t updated, and I want to, but I don’t have the time or the words here is my last 6 months in 150 characters:

Cooking-Cleaning-Knitting. Job Search-Defeat-Concede. Collating-Copying-Collections. Hope: Apply-Interview-Accept. Acholi Beads: San Diego-Sunshine-Uganda-New Beginnings


So… it’s a few more than 150. but I tried….

Coming soon: an actual blog. Hopefully.

Love you all