Learning Discipline

I'm lacking discipline.

I see it in the corners of my life that I try to hide. The moments of solitude that I let slip away, filling them with useless hours upon hours of TV. The bites of food that I "know I shouldn't eat" but do anyway. The numerous convictions at night that have fled by the dawn. Half filled journals, unfinished books scattered across the floor.

I have owned a Bible for over 1/2 my life... and I don't think I've ever read the book of Amos.

I wanted to be disciplined. a disciple. One who follows in Your path. To live a life of thanksgiving, of prayer, of joy, of trust. To realize that You reveal yourself to those who ask, seek, knock.

Lord, I know that I start and I stop. and I start and I stop. and I start and I stop. That my walk with you has been lurching, stumbling. That there have been days, weeks, months where I haven't moved.

Jesus, thank you. Thank you that you wait. that you never let go, give up or move away. That you still love me with a burning passion, despite my wandering eyes, my impatient heart.

I want to be disciplined. To find my Hope, my Peace, my Rest in You. to cling to Your Promises.

the Joy Dare. Day One.

3 Gifts learned

1. Nothing is as satisfying as the knowledge that you have acted as God would have you

2. That Love Always Wins

3. How to read, to write, to communicate

Hello, again

Well, change is in the air. I would say "again," but isn't "always" more appropriate? The world is always shifting, changing, moving forward at various rates of speed, I just rarely take the time to note its progress, except at those random moments when it jerks forward so quickly you don't have a choice.

The last 12 months were in no way a holding pattern... but the next 12? seem almost insurmountable in regards to the adjustments headed my way. Weddings, graduations, career changes, re-locations... all around people I love are getting ready for the next "big phase."

and, finally, I am too.

because finally, after all these years?

I'm headed back across the ocean. :)

26...

Sometimes I worry that I'm treating life like a stop-gap, instead of an opportunity. That I'm spending to much time planning my tomorrows that I'm missing all my todays. Counting down hours to ends instead of experiencing the middles.

I keep looking forward. Waiting for the day I take a leap, do something grand, live a life that's FULL.

I need Courage. Strength. Boldness. Direction.

And I'm thinking, probably a rather large push.

Thoughts from Portland

It’s ridiculously green here, like someone stole all the green crayons from a 64 pack of Crayolas and used them all the way down to a nub. There are trees anywhere and everywhere from the unexpected forest along the train track to the cherry blossom tree in front of a bank in downtown. I’m even appreciating the never ending “scattered showers” that seem to blend together, knowing they are why the landscape is so vibrant and alive.

I like Portland as a city. It’s slower than LA, but it still seems to move. There are people pouring out of buildings with every sort of attire, all heading places with purpose, but courtesy. I’ve about perfected my Portland Pedestrian wave, the jaunty “thank you” that walkers pass over to drivers when they stop. But don’t misunderstand me; Portlanders are not lackadaisical in their movement. Locals check for cars but not for crossing signals, speed limits are acknowledged but not followed exactly. I like the pace. It’s a city getting where it needs to go, but not at the expense of others.

We saw a jug band on Sunday. It was a perfect moment out of time, as we hurried past the persistent food stand hawkers at the Saturday/Sunday Street fair and heard the soft strains of a banjo. There was a man playing washboard percussion and a woman playing the washtub bass. It was an Emmitt Otter’s Jug Band Christmas dream come true.

I’m not ready to leave Oregon. With the beauty of the drives and the convenience of the train, I’m not looking forward to returning to the pavement and rush of “normal life.” But I’ll be back, hopefully in the summertime to view the roses in bloom. :)

A Call to Action

I know its been forever since I posted anything, and I really do need to get back into it...

But even more important: you can help end a war. Show the U.S. Government and the world's leaders that we desire to put a stop to the longest running war and end Kony's reign of terror throughout Eastern Africa.

how:

1. Visit www.wewantobama.com
2. Sign the petition calling for President Obama to lead the effort to end the war in Uganda
3. Tell you friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances, people you pass on the street to do the same.

Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can change the world.

Thank you.

Twitter-riffic?

Twitter is the new rage on the internet… people attempting to encapsulate their entire beings into 150 characters (it’s not something I have joined, as I have already written 148 and not said anything…)

But because I haven’t updated, and I want to, but I don’t have the time or the words here is my last 6 months in 150 characters:

Cooking-Cleaning-Knitting. Job Search-Defeat-Concede. Collating-Copying-Collections. Hope: Apply-Interview-Accept. Acholi Beads: San Diego-Sunshine-Uganda-New Beginnings


So… it’s a few more than 150. but I tried….

Coming soon: an actual blog. Hopefully.

Love you all

Forgiveness

I’ve been talking to God a lot more lately, and it’s been wonderful. He’s so good at guiding me, teaching me and helping me take steps towards becoming a better woman.

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot today is forgiveness. Not even of others, but of myself. For some reason, it’s easier for me to forgive the actions of others than it is for me to forgive myself.

But I’m learning. To forgive myself for chances I didn’t take and risks I shouldn’t have. For words I spoke to myself that hurt and words I didn’t speak to others to encourage. I’m forgiving myself for the moments I expected more of myself than I could give and asking forgiveness for moments I didn’t do all I could. Forgiveness of dreams I didn’t reach for, hopes I refused to share and weaknesses I didn’t get help with.

Slowly but surely, I’m learning to be kinder to myself. To view myself through the eyes of My Creator, who loves me. The other night I was reading a book, and the author wrote about the sweetest way she views her relationship with God; that whenever He plays Red Rover, he always calls her over… because He always wants her on His team. I’m learning to let that thought soak into my heart… that God wants me on His team, and I’d like to have me on mine, as well. :)